Should have gone for a poo round Paul's house.

It's interesting that the photo in my profile is one of me sitting on the toilet never in my wildest dreams did l think l would get locked in one.

When a man is late home from the pub, it is more than likely he will come up with some excuse to get him out of trouble.

From getting mugged, always a good one when you go home skint to flash floods and even the plain old simple forgot the time.

I now struggle to come up with any decent stories and as a result don't bother saying anything.

Yesterday I went to town to see a friend and have a few drinks, while having a few drinks we decided to do a football bet pick four teams each and put a tenner on it. My mate had to leave, so he left me with the bet to put on. Before l put the bet on I went to a phone box to ring the missus so she could come and pick me up then it was over the road into ladbrokes to put the bet on.

After doing just that l needed to go to the toilet, now l must admit l hate having to do a dump in public toilets and squatting without touching the rim is a must, no telling what has touched that seat, but just as l was about to drop my strides l noticed no toilet roll, nothing worse than doing a poo and no toilet roll, so l pulled up my strides and never bothered. Not to worry there is another bookies just twenty yards down the road.

The tote shop is a new one with a long corridor leading to the toilets, inside is one toilet. Once inside l could see there was some toilet roll, now after having a nasty experience when l was about twenty which involved squatting over the seat with my trousers round my ankles only to look up and see the door burst open because the lock never worked and a big burly bloke standing there certainly makes one shit himself even if he never wanted too. So with that in mind l made sure the lock was on.

After doing the business and still running out of toilet roll, l tried to unlock the door, as much as l tried the bolt would not move, with no way of getting out l shouted for help but none was forth coming, after a few minutes l was starting to panic, still the bolt would not budge and tugging the door handle had no effect. I tried shoulder charging the door, in a confind space having a two yard run up and hitting the door is not one l recommend, looking back that was really stupid but l was now beginning to worry.

The minutes passed and here l stood locked in a toilet that in all honesty never smelled too clever and with no way out contacting anyone to let them know l was stuck inside. I had visions of the fire brigade coming and getting me out with everyone standing looking. Even worse my missus would be waiting outside and l here l was stuck.

A few more minutes passed then all of a sudden l heard the outside door

"Hello anyone there" l asked
"Yes" came back a voice that sounded Moroccan
"I need help mate, I'm stuck the fecking lock bust".

From outside he tried to open the door but that never worked.

"I will go and get help" he said.
"Cheers mate"

Help was not instant and l was still standing trying to move the bolt. I thought maybe he was taking the piss and just left me there, so l began banging on the door and trying the lock again when it just suddenly opened.

FREEDOM

I washed my hands and made the long walk down the corridor, where l was greeted by about ten people all looking at me. The bloke behind the counter asked if l was ok to which l replied l fooking am now mate and you want to get that door seen too. He told me he was coming to help but he was the only one behind the counter and need to wait for the manger to come back.


He was still talking but l just wanted to get out, I'm sure my picture would be on the camera's and they could all have a good laugh at my expense. I started to walk out and as l did l got a round of applause and a few laughs, all l needed now was toilet roll to be sticking out my trousers to round off a truly embarrassing moment.

My missus was already waiting for me outside the bookies,

"Have you been waiting long" l asked
"About ten minutes", she was not happy
"I got stuck in the toilets"
"Kelvin don't lie"
"I did"
"Yeah right"
"I swear why would l lie"
"You were in the bookies having a bet"
"No honestly l got stuck in a toilet"

All the way home l tried to explain what happened but l could see she was not buying it and still now she does not believe me.

So be careful what you tell your partner when you get in late as this is the modern version of the boy who cried wolf